Names have been changed to protect the embarrassed.
* * *
SETTING: On station at some unspecified location on the Gulf of Mexico, aboard the M/V Caroline Hench, a tender turned science vessel., during a hot, blustery summer afternoon.
CHARACTERS:
JOE, survey tech
BIG JIM, surveyor/deck boss.
ETHAN, ocean engineer.
AARON, party chief.
MIKE, oceanographer.
OLIVIA, a geophysicist.
SCENE 1. Fantail of the Caroline Hench. AARON, BIG JIM, ETHAN, JOE, and MIKE are assembled variously around the upright metal frame of an instrument (also known as the fish) about to be dropped via winch and cable into the ocean, for the sake of making observations on petroleum content.
ETHAN. You know, I’d been hoping to put something on the fish that might be able to pick up any oil it goes through on the way down. Paper or something…
MIKE. Yeah, that’s not a bad idea. Though paper might rip.
JOE. How about a sorbent pad?
ETHAN. Might work…are they tough enough?
MIKE (Walks across the deck to a dirty sorbent pad lying beneath a hose valve. Rips the pad slightly.) Well, they rip pretty easily, but I don’t think they’ll fall apart in the water like paper would.
ETHAN. I was kind of thinking of a paper plate. They kind of have a coating that keeps the water off.
MIKE. That’d keep the oil off too.
JOE. How about a facecloth?
ETHAN. Yeah, though we’d need a white one.
MIKE. Hmm… (Leaves)
ETHAN. Well, we might as well use some sorbent. Is there a clean pad anywhere?
JOE. Yeah, over in the box. (Goes to the box and retrieves a soft pad of sorbent.)
BIG JIM. Yeah, that’ work…where’s the duct tape?
JOE retrieves a roll of duct tape, brings that and the sorbent to BIG JIM, who tears off a piece of sorbent, wraps it around part of the instrument frame, and begins taping it in place.
Re-enter MIKE, who waves the plate overhead and carries an off-white facecloth in the other hand as he walks toward ETHAN.
MIKE. Here, is this what you wanted? (Tears the plate in half.)
BIG JIM. No, leave it whole! The edges provide strength.
MIKE. (Staring at the two halves of a plate.) Oh. (Walks over to the garbage bin, places one half inside, and gives the other half to BIG JIM, who begins wrapping it and taping it down.)
MIKE. And I snagged a facecloth too, though it’s a little off-white.
ETHAN. It’ll be off-white by the time we’re done with it anyway.
JOE. I doubt the sorbent or the plate will last, anyhow. They’ll probably just fall off.
MIKE. You know what would work perfectly…?
JOE. I know what you’re thinking.
ETHAN. Yeah, a tampon would be pretty ideal.
MIKE. I mean, it’d stand up to the water, and it’s probably twice as absorbent as the sorbent pad!
ETHAN. So, do you want to go ask?
MIKE. Well…that’s the problem.
JOE. Yeah, wanna get slapped?
MIKE. Slapped with a harassment suit, more like!
AARON. Though a tampon would work perfectly…
ETHAN. Yeah, and who better to do it than the survey chief? (Slaps AARON on the back.)
JOE. Yeah, I say you should go get it!
AARON. Hey, I got you your chair. I’m not getting you your tampon.
ETHAN. (To MIKE.) I’ve got an idea. You could just raid their bedroom.
MIKE. Yeah, they’d never notice, I’d find it immediately, and everything would be OK.
ETHAN. Well, it was just a gag anyway, probably better we not bother.
AARON. And we wouldn’t learn much from it anyway. Better to just leave that one alone.
BIG JIM. Too bad, because those things are probably ten times as absorbent as a sorbent pad. I worked with a guy once…
AARON. Alright, guys, we should start thinking about how we’re going to handle this rising sea state. It’s going to be tougher to deploy and recover. (Enters into technical discussion with BIG JIM and JOE. MIKE zones out.)
ETHAN. (To MIKE.) So what do you think about this weather building up?
MIKE. I’m thinking about going in and asking anyway.
ETHAN. (Chuckles.) It’s up to you, but I think we’re okay without it.
AARON. If these waves continue to rise, this will be our last cast for the day. We’ll need to check the weather and see if we’ll need to lay in or think about heading to shore.
BIG JIM. Aahhh, we shouldn’t give up yet. These things are barely four feet tall!
AARON. Yes, but if they get much bigger we won’t be able to operate. The sonar arm will likely start vibrating as well.
MIKE. Screw it. No guts no glory. (Leaves)
SCENE 2. Control van of the Caroline Hench, a cargo container outfitted inside as a dry lab, both sides lined with desks and computers. Among 8 other people at work, OLIVIA sits at her computer, entering data. Enter MIKE.
MIKE. (Kneels.) Hey, Olivia.
OLIVIA. Yes?
MIKE. I’ve got a question for you, and if it’s offensive or seems inappropriate, please excuse me. But it’s strictly for science…
(OLIVIA looks at him quizzically. Her neighbor at the desk looks over with mild alarm.)
MIKE. You see, we got the idea of putting something absorbent on the fish, which might be able to pick up any oil that it goes through on its way down. We got a sorbent pad, a facecloth and some paper, but I was hoping…
OLIVIA. (Being patient.) Would you like a tampon?
MIKE. Yes. Or a maxi pad.
OLIVIA. No problem. Would you like both?
MIKE. Sure, if you can spare them, thanks!
(Exeunt.)
SCENE 3. Fantail of the Caroline Hench. AARON, BIG JIM, ETHAN, and JOE stand about the fish, talking. Enter MIKE.
MIKE. We’re in business!
JOE. Ask, and you shall receive.
MIKE. Ask nicely enough, and you shall receive. You can’t just be a dick about it.
BIG JIM takes the tampon and maxi pad, removes the wrapper from the tampon, and begins taping it to the frame.
SCENE 4. Fantail of the Caroline Hench. ETHAN and MIKE walk toward the fish, having been reeled back up on deck following two dives. BIG JIM is already there, inspecting the equipment.
MIKE. Well, the tampon isn’t scientifically valid now. We left the same one on for two consecutive casts.
ETHAN. Yeah, but it’s white. It’s a negative result anyway.
MIKE. Still, worth trying.
BIG JIM. Yeah, well I’m proud of that little tampon! It’s still on there!
(All three nod.)
FINIS
* * *
Instruments of science:
The maxi pad.
The tampon.* * *
Now, any woman reading this might think, You're so proud of yourself for going to ask a humdrum question about a perfectly ordinary thing like a tampon? That took nerve? I'll tell you about nerve. Pass a swollen football through a passage the size of your throat, and you'll learn about nerve.
To which every male can only have the same response: Yes dear.
Such a smart man you are my love! I am proud of you! : ) -- Not to mention very impressed with the invention of the tampon. They're made as tough as we are! Gotta respect something that can bleed for a week and not die! RIght ladies?! : P
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